Confusion On a Spring Day

The winds are swirling
within my mind
thoughts are buzzing.
I can't find peace,
but the air is cool
and the sun is shining,
sending her rays to dance
Upon my skin, tingling.

but lust isn't the same as love
and i want lust for only
the one i love.
but not everything is perfect
and i must keep up
the strength i have acquired
to hold back the unwanted desires.

so wash me clean
pour cold water across my head
let me taste the fresh
crisp taste of this rain
that sparkles under the sky.

let my eyes feel new
as drops flow down my upturned head,
brushingclinging to my eyelashes.
my hair is dark,
hugging my shoulders
as the water runs
down my neck,
gracing down my back,
drenching me in forgiveness
covering me in simple bliss.

a slight smile,
my arms reaching for the sun,
I think of the one I truly love
and the breeze starts softly
gracing my skin
and drying the drops,
soaking them into each pore,
a part of me forever.
swirling,
the world spins
and all my thoughts
twist in the air around me,
my thoughts relax, and
as I tumble to the soft
loft of the rolling hills
and many shades of green,
I stare at the depth of blue,
whisper my truth,
and slip into the only place
I have ever really belonged.

Torn Between Two

whispers burn into the folds
of the ears hidden
under the unkempt hair
decorated with gripping
fingers, as I attempt
to rip away the thoughts
pounding against my skull.

all is well
all is just
whispers and lies
whispers and lies.

my smiles once belonged to me
but now they are lost
somewhere between my confusion
and images of the past.

all is well
all is just
whispers and lies
whispers and lies

a feeling crept upon my chest
unwanted, I tried to fight it.
now I am split and have no choice.
I have one sword
and two of whom
I have no desireto fight.

Fear of loosing
fear of rejection.
My eyelids flickering
as my breath quickens.

I attempt to straighten,
quiet the battle inside my head.

One for him
The other
for the other.

Screaming, my hands
find the nesting home
within the strands of hair
that fall before my face.
Hiding my tears.

I've never been good at hiding.
He knew all along.
I did not ask to feel exactly as I do now.
But time is all that is left
To lead me where I should.
And when he turns around,I wonder even now,
Where precisely I'll be.

I never asked for this feeling,
not fair to him
as much as the other.
I'll wear a smile.
for him.
for him.

I'll wear a smile for me.

Things are beginning.
Not ending.
With leaves under my face,
fallen upon the ground,
I crawl one reach forward.
Things are beginning.

Crackling.
I might try to stand.
But not now.
The sun is still so light
and the time is just not right.
It's too early.
But things are beginning.

Calling the Magic of Holy Water

Don’t enter my thoughts, you’ll only leave burdened...

It feels every sin is upon them.
I rinse my hands in holy water,
And the people stare in horror.

They dip their little fingers
Dappling them in the water.
But, I am far more dirty than they.
I rush out to escape the silent disdain.
I just wanted to be clean.
These fingers I bring to my face
To catch the tears that run
Because of the mistakes I've made
Tremble with fear of an uncertain tomorrow.

Sometimes it seems that the only future I can control
Involves me ending it all together.
In the finale, at least I had control, right?
Wrong.

Because in a few months time,
Everyone would have forgot me.
In my attempt to earn control,
I would let my greatest fear arise.
I would loose everything dear to me.

And everyone I am dear to,
Which is very few,
Would have to deal with the loss
And they would experience

The very feeling I fled from.
I would have nothing left
But the darkness,
And the voices of the earth
Telling me of my wrongs.

Not much different than being here
In the light that is much less forgiving.
Bring me to the moon.
Higher than any bug will fly.
Higher than my minute worries.
High enough to balance out my low veneer.
High enough to erase my low condition,
Just for a moment in time.

But silly me, I forget in my troubles,
That without even lifting a finger,
You have me thinking of you,
No matter how high I get.
No mater how pathetic I've become.